Love, Relationships, and Marriage
Happy Valentine's Day
I feel like every Valentine's Day, I share a weird blog about love and relationships. In 2021, I talked about trying a dating app during a pandemic. In 2022, I talked about how to healthily move on from a relationship. I wish I could say this year would be different, but if you are familiar with my style and already know who I am, then you know that this will probably end on a low unhealthy funny note.
First, let me clear something up. I am not, in any shape, way, or form, a hater. I like seeing couples happy, and I have nothing against them. Yet, I always tend to see the negative in relationships, no matter how healthy they are (or seem to be.)
Last month, my dearest friend and sister from another mister, Rhita, got married to the love of her life. I was beyond happy for her to be in such a happy, committed relationship. Yet, the entire time (while I was dancing at her wedding) I kept thinking, oh shit, she’s locked down for life and the government is involved now. I know that that’s just my commitment issues talking, but I can’t seem to tone them down.
I enjoyed seeing her happy as we celebrated their union, I could feel the love they had for each other. Yet, as someone who doesn’t truly believe in love, I couldn’t understand what I was seeing. Is love powerful enough to make you promise to be with one person for the rest of your life? That’s a question I would never be able to answer.
Deep down, I know why I’m limiting myself when it comes to love. I keep saying that it’s because I can’t trust anyone that way. But that, my friends, is nothing but a lie. I’m a big fat liar. I know that I could never love someone so deeply knowing that one day they will leave me, and no, I’m not talking about breakups.
Imagine you find your “soulmate” and you fall in love instantly, you get married, you start a family, or get a pet (even though pets count as family,) and then, your partner has the audacity to die. I would literally do myself in, and follow them.
I know what you are thinking. “Ehssan that’s dumb. You can’t waste the possibility of spending the best time of your life with someone just because you are afraid of death.” And yes, you are right. I am dumb, but for a good reason (that’s literally what dumb people say.)
I simply cannot even fathom the idea of putting that much love and trust into a relationship just for it to end so tragically. Imagine not having the LOVE of your life by your side anymore. I simply cannot go through that pain because I know I can’t handle it.
“But Ehssan, your partner might not die.” Yet they might. I cannot risk it because of a possibility. People die literally every second. Young people die out of NOWHERE. I could literally die right now and this blog would rot in my drafts forever. Just because something might not happen doesn't mean that it might not not happen. Do you see my point?
“You dumb-dumb, how can you give up on an entire relationship full of happy moments and immense joy just because you are scared?” It’s because I don’t care about potential happiness as much as I care about potential sadness. Yes, I might be happy, but I also might be sad. It’s a 50–50 chance, and I’m willing to risk hypothetical happiness if it means I shade myself from the hypothetical pain. I have felt a type of that pain, and I would sell my left boob and first child to never feel like that ever again. Being that dependent on someone (emotionally) is tiring, and I know I’m not strong enough to survive it.
I know that my logic is nonexistent at the moment, but trust me, being single and happy is much better for me (at the moment, at least.)
This doesn't mean that I’m not open to dating, heck, I’m always lusting after people in the streets. I might find “the one”, but deep down, this fear would play a big role in either me pulling away or ruining the relationship altogether.
Maybe, this fear is just an anxiety-stricken thought that might disappear over time, who knows (not me, obviously.) Believe me when I say this, I’m not a pessimist, I’m just an overthinker who likes to avoid pain at any cost. I might change my mind tomorrow and laugh at this with my partner.
Remember what I said at the start of the blog? I literally never know what I’m about to write until I’m signing out at the end lol.
On that note, try to get out there and look for someone to warm up your bed (or dinner.) Be open to dating, loving, and even getting married, and make sure you invite me (Apparently, I look good in traditional caftans.)
Until next time, Happy Valentine’s Day.
