Why Is It Hard To Say NO?
And how can you change that?
A couple of hours ago, I was sitting next to mom when she suddenly asked me “Ehssan, why is it hard to say no?”. I immediately knew the answer because my therapist had talked to me about it a couple of weeks ago. The answer was so easy, it made me realize I wasted my life being submissive to others.
Basically, while we were growing up, some of us were told to do things and we did them without asking why or without knowing if we even want to do them. We did what we were told fearing that the person who asked us would get hurt if we refuse. We were consumed by nonexistent guilt.
We cared about other people’s feelings while ignoring our own. We didn’t want to disappoint others. So we said “yes ”to whatever came our way.
This stems primarily from our parents as they ordered us around without knowing our opinion on said task. They believed that they had the authority to tell us what to do, and we had to listen and follow everything they say to us. This is extremely wrong as we have different personalities and preferences. Our only way out of this cycle is to stand up to ourselves and say “no”. However, saying “no” to a parent can seem wrong and we end up feeling guilty as if we owe them something.
Once we got used to saying “yes ”to our parents, we let that submission follow us in our professional lives. We became unaware of it and we never thought twice before saying “yes”. Whether it was a friend borrowing your favorite pen, or your boss telling you to work overtime, “yes ”became so easy to say.
Other people don’t think you are nice when you tell them “yes”, they start seeing you as someone without a personality and they start using that to manipulate you into doing their bidding. That friend would ask you to have your pen instead of borrowing it, and your boss will tell you to come over the weekends constantly.
Once you realize that you have the right to say “no”, you can easily say it without feeling guilty. Remember that you don’t have to give an explanation when refusing to do something. Other people don’t owe you anything. Instead of worrying about other people’s feelings, why don’t you worry about yours instead? It might seem hard or sound selfish but it isn’t as you always come first.
I was so naive and I let people walk over me easily. When friends asked me to hang out, I used to come up with lies instead of simply saying “no”. I cared about what they thought of me more than what I thought of myself. I became what I hated most; a liar.
When my therapist convinced me that I control my own life and that I’m the only one who has a say about what I can do, I became more aware of my feelings when asked to do something. Saying “no” came easy to me.
For example, I was asked by a friend to borrow one of my books. If you personally know me, you would know that I care about my books most than anything in this world. Instead of coming up with fake excuses, I was able to tell her “no” easily. To my surprise, she was ok with it. I used to believe that people will hate me if I say “no”. That they would be disappointed in me. However, I realized I had an inexplicable urge to please people and that’s because of my upbringing.
I also realized that by saying “yes ” to everything, people have little respect for you as they believe that you can’t stand up to yourself. Isn’t that more disappointing?
With some practice, saying “no” will come easy to you as it did to me. You will feel freer and lighter once you accept that you aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings. This however doesn’t mean that you can be a selfish asshole.
Remember that only you can change how people feel about you. You have control over your life and no one can take that from you. I invite you to start saying “no” more in your life when you don’t feel comfortable or you feel used, people will start seeing you differently, not that others’ opinions matter anyways.
Until next time, say no.
