The 12 Stages Of A Depressive Episode

My life summed up in 12 stages.

Living with mental instability is hard, however, with a lot of help, I figured out ways to make it better. Turning my problems into jokes is one of them. That’s why I keep it light in my blogs, dropping jokes here and there. It lightens the mood and belittles the problem.

Serious episodes used to happen often. It took me days, sometimes even weeks to get out of them and get my shit together. If you are wondering how it feels like to be unstable (although we are all a bit unstable), read on to learn about the crucial steps of going through a depressive episode.

1- The “Oh shit it’s happening”: Also known as “the realization”, you realize that you aren’t doing ok and you feel an episode coming. So you just wait for it to hit. Which is mistake n°1. Instead of waiting, you are supposed to get out of it by either distracting yourself or asking for help. This stage feels exactly like you are waiting for your favorite tv show to drop a new episode, you know it’s coming soon so you drop everything else in your life and wait for it (or at least that’s what I do).

2- The “Hello darkness, my old friend”: It hits hard, it makes you forget how it feels to be happy. You give in to the darkness and let it consume you. You either start binging a tv show, start listening to that sad playlist you made, lose your appetite, or grow an appetite (don’t know what that feels like). This is when you cut off all of your friends and refuse help. You enjoy the feeling of emptiness and you just give up.

3- The “I am unworthy of love”: This is when you accept your misery and embrace it, you believe that the entire world is against you and that you are alone which is 100% wrong. This is also the stage where only negative thoughts pop up in your mind. Your brain is fucking you over. The loneliness and self-loathing make you push your friends away even more. You probably have turned off your phone by now. You refuse to ask for help because you don’t want to burden your friends.

4- The “The ceiling is my only friend”: You stop watching that tv show, you stop listening to that playlist. You let the darkness consume you even more. You lose interest in everything. The only thing that brings you peace of mind is doing nothing. So you stare at the ceiling for hours because your mind stopped working.

5- The “what day is it”: You lose the sense of time yet you don’t care. You don’t know what day is, you don’t even know where you are. You feel out of place like you don’t belong on this planet. You feel as if your body separated from your soul. You don’t even know who you are anymore.

6- The “I wish I didn’t exist”: This is where the darker thoughts come in. This is where you give up on life. You wish you could hold your breath forever because nothing matters anymore. You want to stop existing, not die, just not be there anymore. This is by far the hardest stage and it hurts like hell.

7- The “Is it time for a physical change?”: This is when you start looking for scissors or for the hair dye kit. You believe that a drastic appearance change will make you feel better (spoiler alert: it won’t). Once you make that change, you feel better for a millisecond before going back to feeling like a saggy massive sack of shit but cuter.

8- The “I’ll log in and see if anyone noticed I was gone”: This is when you turn on your phone again. You find one unread text from one of your friends; it’s a meme. So, you log off again feeling more miserable than before.

9- The “I’m doing this to myself and I need to get my shit together”: You try to gather your senses but it’s hard because you let the darkness consume you more than usual. You try to get out of bed, ignoring its calls. You take a shower for the first time in a week, you drink coffee hoping it’ll wake your senses but it agitates you so now you are depressed and agitated, it’s like you are excited about being depressed. You clean your room or in my case, I rearrange my bookshelf. You log in again and post a story hoping that someone would notice your return.

10- The “I’m a rock star”: This is when you start feeling like yourself again. You start enjoying your hobbies. You reach out to your close friends without feeling like a burden. You start laughing again, and you regret that hair change, so much. Yet you embrace it because it was part of your healing journey or you book an appointment to fix it.

11- The “What was I even sad about?“: This is when all of your problems seem small, you laugh at the way you reacted. You laugh at how weak you felt. Yet you feel proud of yourself for getting out of that hole.

12- The “I promise I won’t let myself feel that way again“: You try to change your life a bit, you start recognizing what triggers your episodes and you eliminate it. You feel big like you are taking care of your old self. You try not to make the same mistakes. However, if the change isn’t drastic it’s only a matter of time before feeling miserable again.

The best way to protect yourself from deteriorating is by asking for help. Sometimes, you just can’t do everything by yourself. The first step of healing is knowing you need help and reaching for it. Your friends don’t hate you, they love you and are willing to help you but only if you let them. You need to understand that you are responsible for your own happiness. We tend to make ourselves miserable for dumb reasons. There are solutions to your problems no matter how big and scary they seem. And remember, we only live once, so don’t spend your life dwelling over stupid problems that can be easily resolved. You have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you. Bisoux!

PS: This is merely my point of view on the subject matter. I don’t know if it’s different for other people.