A short, sad story.
I have felt sad and down most of my life; I got used to it, to be honest, but I never thought that I would have depression, why? I didn’t know what it was.
Mental health was not taught at school and was never brought up in my home. It wasn’t something we talk about, we never considered how important it was.
2 years after high school, I went through a rough patch which I considered as a normal “feeling down” period, I didn't leave the house for 15 days and I slept most of the time, I didn't want to be awake and face my feelings, I didn’t know how to face them, anyway. I enjoyed pushing my feelings away and not having to face the consequences.
I wanted to have a clear head, no thought, no feelings, I didn’t want to exist.
It took me a while to finally consider the option of having depression, and I had to do heavy research on the matter, it took me hours and hours of studying to realize I was severely depressed, do you want to know how I felt about that? I did not care, I just didn’t.
You are probably saying: “but Ehssan, you can’t go around diagnosing yourself, you need to see a professional”. I know and I don’t want to.
These feelings stopped for a while, but whenever I was alone everything came back hitting me in the face the same way Regina George got hit by a bus, I hated feeling that way, so I ignored my emotions and tried to live my life, did that work? No.
When the pandemic slammed us in the face, every disgusting feeling came back. After a week of being under lockdown, I felt helpless and self-loathing, I impulsively cut my hair in the bathroom while having a mental breakdown.
Being alone made me put my guard down, and I was left alone with my thoughts, I became defenseless against my own brain; I felt attacked and suffocated; I wanted to escape.
My mood became so fragile, I would shout at my brother for breathing too loud, I would have a mental breakdown over my phone battery dying, and I became aggressive, very aggressive.
My sleep schedule changed, I would sleep until 2 pm and stay awake until 5 am, doing absolutely nothing.
I lost weight; I had no appetite, everything had no taste like avocados (I loath avocados)
I found refuge in writing, to avoid thinking, I turned to the only thing that gives me hope in life; writing. I started blogging weekly; I set daily reminders to write, and I finished my very first novella, which I can’t wait for you guys to read.
“Ehssan, stop being dramatic, this year was hard on all of us”: I know and I totally understand, being locked down against your will is so fxcking hard, I’m not telling you guys this to get attention or sympathy, I’m just sharing my feelings and it helps me overcome every negative thought I get. I feel and sleep better knowing my feelings are being shared with other people who might relate to me, I feel better when I let everything out, It’s like exhaling after running up the stairs or farting after eating beans.