My Life Went Downhill After 2016

And I know why

Before I get into it, I want to apologize for being gone all this time. I had many things to do from figuring out some career choices to working on selling my book. Anyway, I miss you all and I’ll do my best to write weekly.

So, In 2016, I finished high school, and right there and then, I felt the change. My mental health deteriorated, I lost friends, I gained friends, and I had to figure out what to do next.

Right after I got my high school diploma, I had a fight with a person I believed to be my best friend. I fell into a deep state of depression because of him and didn’t leave the house for about a month.

At the same time, I needed to make a decision about what to do the year after. I always wanted to be a writer and I figured the best way to get there was to study English literature. Unfortunately, nobody encouraged me and I ended up choosing something else. In other words, other people chose for me. Although I admit it was my fault I let others decide. This made my depression even worst. Remember that at that time, I didn’t know I was depressed. I didn’t even know what depression was.

I ended up studying coding which surprisingly didn’t suck. Turns out, I was really good. So for a while, my depression was at bay. I finally saw a different future. I wanted to be the best of the best and for a moment, I was one of the top students in my class.

By 2018, I believed my life had turned around but it was just for a moment before she screamed fuck you to my face. I wanted to get my bachelor's degree but I had to study in the private sector. This is when I got my first job to cover my tuition. I studied during the weekend and worked my ass off during the week. My boss was shitty which made my mental health even worse. This is when I got introduced to panic attacks and anger issues. The moment I graduated, I quit. Bye-bye mental illness. Or so I thought!

Before I got to finish an internship, covid hit and that was the icing on top of the shit cake I needed. My depression was like hey wanna see this new trick I learned? Staying home with my family 24/7 was by far the worst thing I have even had to go through. I love my family, don’t get me wrong. But, I needed space.

By the time quarantine was over, I had learned new things about myself. Life-changing things that made me realize I was living in a lie for 22 years. At the same time, I felt proud of myself to be who I was.

To have some control over my life, I stopped coding and focused on writing. I wrote my first book and that made me so so so proud of myself. But this wasn’t enough to pay the bills. By bills I mean the holy duo, Netflix and Spotify. I wanted financial freedom but I couldn’t reach it yet.

Since I had no experience or degree in writing, it was hard to land a good job. So my depression was so excited to come visit again. I didn’t want to go to school again so I had to figure out what to do. I turned to blogging and slowly, I managed to fill out my resumé.

In 2021, I realized I didn’t want to work in an office. I wanted to not have to deal with people. I hate people. So I turned to freelance and I got my first gig. It was a great editing and writing position where I was in control of my own hours and the pay wasn’t bad at all. At the same time, I went through a shitty dating experience that resulted in therapy ❤

By 2022, I got to publish my book and write a second one. but it came at a great cost. I realized not all of my friends were supportive and I had to cut some of them out of my life. But I was ok with that as I now have two great friends who love and support the shit out of me.

Now, looking back at it, I’m glad my life took the turn it did in 2016 because it got me here. Yes, my mental health is shitty but I get to see myself happy in the future. I like where my life is going and I’m proud of myself. I survived horrible mental torment but it all got me to where I am today.

Welp! This was a good rant. I wanted to let it all out for a while now and finally got the chance to do so. I promise to be back soon with better content. I have noted down a lot of ideas I just need to be in the proper mindset to write.

Until next time, accept your past and focus on your future.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Ehssan El Medkouri

Ehssan El Medkouri

I read, write, and embarrass myself online. A 24-year-old passionate published author who wants to travel the world and visit every bookshop possible ✨🖤