I’m Done Making Friends
An homage to my late childhood friend.
Before I get to it, I’d like to once again apologize for not being active. To my 2 to 3 followers, life hasn’t been easy lately, so it’s hard for me to sit down and write. I have been wanting to write this blog for over 8 months but I didn’t find the time or the energy to do so.
So, enough chit-chat and let’s get to it.
We all have or had great friendships that made us whole and sane. We also had friendships that ruined us and iced our hearts. Either way, we were open to making new friends and meeting new people.
I had great friendships growing up. I met my first true friend, Khaoula, at the age of 9 and had a solid on-and-off friendship with her until we graduated high school. We stayed friends but we barely met as we had different paths to follow. She was forgiving, wise, loving, and always welcomed me with open arms after months of not speaking. It wasn’t until after she suddenly passed away earlier this year that I realized she was one of the best friends I have ever had. While I feel guilty every day for not reaching out more, I know that she forgives me and understands my absence from her life in the past couple of years.
Honestly, her death opened my eyes to many truths about friendships. It made me question most of my relationships with my friends. That’s when I truly knew who was my friend and who was my foe.
Months after her death, a person whom I called my best friend at the time, showed me her true colors and did me the favor of leaving my life. That’s when I started noticing and appreciating my friends more.
Now, I can proudly say I have a couple of close friends that I want to always have by my side. They are also the only friends I ever want to have. I’m tired of getting disappointed by my so-called friends.
Khaoula once told me that I should never let anyone bring me down, no matter what. And, I decided to live by that every day. Nevertheless, I’m glad I got to experience the failed friendships as they thought me a lot. While they raised my trust issues, they helped me learn a lot about myself. I am forgiving and always will be by your side until you cross me, then you are nothing but a person from my past.
I wanted to write and talk about my friendship with Khaoula and honor her memory but I know that words would never do her justice. I simply cannot sum up 15 years in one blog. That wouldn’t be fair. I also don’t know how to express my feelings as I’m still working through them.
I know that I am sad, angry, confused, and guilty for not knowing the person she was before she died. Yet, I know that if she could read this, she’d hit me on the shoulder and say that we would always be friends, no matter what. She’d also call me names and we would laugh it off as we did in the past.
In conclusion, I am done making friends for the time being. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future, maybe not. I just know I’ve had my fair share of solid friendships.
While not many people will read this, I’m glad I was able to let out a bit of how I feel about my dear friend’s passing.
Khaoula, this one is for you. I love and miss you every day.
Until next time, take care of your friends while you still can.
