I’m Afraid of Meeting My Online Friends! Here Is Why.
My daily struggle.
It is 2020; you met half of the friends you have now online and it became something everyone does, meeting people online, getting close to them by knowing them better, then meeting them in real life. Let me tell you how that went for me.
In 2016, I met a girl online; we became close, and a year after that we met in real life, and it was awkward. At first, I was so excited to meet her as she was practically my online best friend; we told each other everything, but when we met, it was different.
After hugging and accepting the fact that we finally met, silence fell. An awkward silence. It felt as if we had nothing in common at all as if we had these very high expectations of each other and I realized that the problem was me, not our friendship.
A year later, I met another online friend, and the same feelings hit me, I felt distant and very insecure; I felt as if I did not belong.
Let me tell you why did I feel the way I did. See, I’m a very introverted person, I spend most of my time alone on my laptop. I use the internet as a way of escaping reality. I like to feel distant and to have online friends that know nothing about the real me, the boring me.
I am a very wild person online; I joke here and there and even post my true feelings online for the world to see but that is not the real me.
The thought of showing my friends my identity scares me, but when I am talking to friends online, all of that fear disappears because I know that they are not present in my day-to-day life. I hide behind the screens.
Now that I come to think of it, this fear resulted from my trust issues. I can’t trust people and open up easily, as it makes me feel vulnerable. I feel as if everything I say to someone will be used against me, I can’t trust anyone!
You are probably saying; come on Ehssan, do not be that sensitive, not everyone will betray your trust.
Well, these trust issues did not show up overnight! I had a very close friend (or so I thought). I used to tell that person everything, and one day, they started mistreating me. They used all of my feelings against me and it was toxic. So I promised I would never put myself in such a situation again, and I kept that promise!
I don’t know if that negative experience triggered my social anxiety, as I cannot self-diagnose myself, I am not a professional. However, I can surely say it caused me major emotional distress.
I am protecting myself by keeping most people out and letting a few in (that’s what she said).
Now I have made over 10 friends online over the years and I would love to meet every single one of them and have fun but I am not there yet, I need time to heal and accept the idea of having new people in my life again.
I would love it if I could go out and enjoy being with my friends all the time, but I’m not there yet. I try to push back these feelings and enjoy my life but I find it hard sometimes, as I have mentioned in a previous blog (polar opposite friendship), I run on a social battery and I do not want it to run out in the middle of me having fun.
This would probably be a problem for some of my friends, that is why I make sure I’m fully ready to go out before making any plans and if I cancel last minute, I do it to avoid hurting my friend’s feelings as I don’t want to be quiet and emotionally tired the whole time, it will look bad and reflect on my personality.
My birthday was last week, I went out with a very dear friend of mine after I had canceled multiple times; he was very considerate after I told him the reason for the rescheduling, which was my anxiety kicking in. If only all of my friends were as considerate as him.
To sum up, please be understanding when a friend of yours cancels last minute, and don’t take it personally as you don’t know what is going on in their lives.
However, if you are like me and you’re terrified of meeting your online friends, I can assure you that your feelings are totally valid and understandable. Your friend is probably feeling the same way and is afraid to tell you.
I’d advise you to be open about your fears and tell your online friend how you feel. If they’re truly your friend, they would understand. Otherwise, you don’t need them in your life.
Until next time, take it easy ❤
Make sure to check out my novella “I’m Sorry”.
“After going through her dead mother’s diary, Rose discovers clues about her mysterious and sudden death. Lost between anger and grief, Rose tries to find the truth with the help of her twin sister Lilly guided only by their late mother’s diary. Will the truth finally get unraveled?”
