I had a Panic attack in public for the first time.

My brain likes to play games.

Panic attack definition: the cherry on top of all the effed up things my body and mind go through.

The universe really saw me struggling with so much and was like let’s add some ✨spice✨, let's improve her life by giving her random panic attacks.. in public.

I still remember my first panic attack, I was at work and my boss had just finishing yelling at me; I went to the bathroom and couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t control my breath, I thought I was dying.

I sat in the tub (yes; we had a tub at work); I sat there trying to control my breath; it took me 10 minutes to breathe normally.

After that incident, I had attacks frequently, whenever I faced a stressful situation I would have one. It was so hard trying to avoid stress in a very stressful environment. So I quit.

One of the major reasons I quit was my mental health, I had a lot of things going on, and if I didn’t quit, I would have done something else to end the pain.. the ✨aliven’t✨ as we call it.

I took matters into my own hands, and the attacks stopped.

When Ms. Rona came to visit, I had a panic attack followed by a breakdown where I impulsively cut my hair in the bathroom. It was very uneven, it’s still uneven, but let’s not talk about that.

I have had random attacks all year, mostly when I’m under pressure, the reason I’m writing this is because of the panic attack I had 15 minutes ago in the train station, I had to buy a ticket, and my pea brain can’t process talking with authorities like a mentally stable human being, so I panicked.

Now that’s I’m a professional panicker (did I just come up with a new word?), I learned how to control it, practice makes perfect as they say, let me show you my trick.

Whenever I feel panicky and have shortness of breath, I focus on the details of anything that’s next to me. Today I focused on the yellow laces on my shoes, I focused on the tiny details; I tried to direct my attention to the details of the fabric, the way it’s made, and how it perfectly blends with the rest of my shoes, simultaneously, I was controlling my breath by slowly breathing in through my nose and slowly exhaling through my mouth; it took me 2 to 3 minutes before I could feel my heart slowing down.

I try to not pay attention to it sometimes, as if it’s not there, and it works.. sometimes.

Keep in mind that I’m not a professional, I only do this because it works for me, if you ever find yourself in a similar position (I hope you never do), go seek medical attention, don’t go around googling your symptoms, don’t go around asking people, the human body varies from one person to the other.

Stay safe and thanks for reading.

Ps: I’m writing this on the train and the woman next to me thinks I’m crazy typing on my phone like a maniac gen z.